Mishra ji is going around telling everyone that it was he who posted about the perfect samosa and paani-puri and got billions of likes. What a liar. It was I who described the experience, and just because he can blog, he posted it on his page. First he doesn’t pay me for all the work I have done for him and now he has even started infringing on copyrighted material of poor blokes like me. No worries, since no one reads Mishra ji’s blog, I am sure no has discovered the secret to perfect paani puri eating. I will proceed to describe it, so learn from the horse’s mouth.
Firstly, I will ditch the two word ‘paani-puri’ in favour of golgappa. Now golgappa is also two words, but due to continuous use and absence of any documented records on what ‘gappa’ means, it has been accepted as one word, and that is what matters. There is shorter Bengali word for it – ‘puchka’, which means nothing except the sound golgappa makes when it is crushed inside your mouth – puchka. Some people in the norther part of the country also call it ‘paani ke batashay’, an unnecessarily long name that needs to be killed. Ok, enough talk now, on to golgappa university.
The golgappa, like Mishra ji’s Rasgulla, should not be a perfect sphere. Like the earth, flat at the poles. The round ones are difficult to consume because your mouth is not round. Non-spherical golgappas are also easier to hold while you are tapping to break its top. If you have an abnormally long thumb like a raakshas, you may buy spherical ones too.
VERY IMPORTANT: Structural integrity is key. Only a portion of the top should break after tapping twice with your thumb. Too fragile and whole of it breaks, too tough and you end up with a sore thumb. Sindhi golgappas are extremely delicate and need to be handled with care. Using professional help is recommended. The appalling sooji golgappas eaten in Delhi need to be banned.
Ideal filling is a mixture of black chana, potato and green moong. White peas are acceptable too as a filling, provided they are hot and reasonably mashed. For best results and full satisfaction eat 4-5 golgappas with each type of filling. Do not, I repeat DO NOT put onion in the filling, even if onions are as cheap as 50 paise per kilo.
The golgappa paani should be greenish and translucent, not muddy and opaque. Many people who claim to be golgappa experts get this horribly wrong. Muddy water is good for frolicking in the mud if you are a pig. Muddy water is also a sign of skimping on coriander and mint leaves and compensating by adding store bought masala. I recommend prison sentence for such people.
The filling should be warm and the paani cold. The explosion that happens in your mouth when the two meet is fundamental to the experience. Warm filling is difficult to achieve with potatoes, so make sure your moong and chana are hot.
Golgappas should be served with bare hands, not wearing plastic gloves, and in cups made of dried leaf. If you have hygiene phobia, blindfold yourself before eating. The dried leaf cup is prone to leaking, but that is ok. Some paani marks on your footwear are important reminder that you need to polish them from time to time.
Paani ingredients tend to settle at the bottom of the container. Ensure that the golgappa server is stirring the paani before every serving to bring the dregs back to the surface. I know this is hard work, but life isn’t easy.
Exactly 3 people should be served at a time. Any less and your next helping comes too soon, even before you realise what hit you. Any more and it’s too long a wait. Some slow eaters, or people with small mouths may find even 3 people to less. The only solution for such people is to make them eat when the kids get their turn.
The surrounding areas should be dusty and decrepit. Stray dogs lurking around add to the experience. A cow rummaging through the dustbin is ideal. Some hardcore fans also want an open gutter to be flowing behind the golgappa stall. Squeaky clean, shiny, steely environment is an absolute experience killer.
VERY IMPORTANT: Keep a count. Golgappa walas can be touchy if you point out that they have served one less. Doing so will prompt them to give you a few on the house. Don’t employ this trick on the poor fellows.
