Dear disciples, followers, cronies and servants,
I know all of you have been waiting eagerly for my next article. I have been away for a while, trying to learn new super powers. It required me to be in isolation, which I found at the top of Mangomalai Hill. Almost. Our local idiot Rickshaw Rowdy was there, apologising to Mata Mangodevi for not being able to offer a big box of mangos as sacrifice. He confessed that he had spent the money on buying liquor bottles for the Supreme Leader. I overheard this as I had gone to steal some mangoes from the offerings that devotees make from time to time. You see, people believe that if some mangoes disappear during the night, it is a sign that Mangodevi has consumed them – a good omen. To make sure that people keep their faith in the resident deity, I sometimes help out the system.
After Rowdy left, I found a large flat rock on which I spread my lungi and sat down in lotus position. It wasn’t long before I heard the voice of Inspector Macho Murugan on the loudspeaker of Mangodevi Temple:
Superpower Swamy, please wear your lungi. Your micro undies are too small to be acceptable as clothing on the holy grounds of Mata Mangodevi Temple. We have received complaints from outraged Mangoville residents. If you refuse to comply, I will be forced to confiscate your meagre undies.
– Inspector Macho Murugan
In case you are wondering how Murugan was able to see all this, I need to remind you. Our surveillance obsessed Supreme Leader has installed CCTV cameras everywhere in Baiganpally. A monitoring cell has been set up where his cronies do nothing but watch the video stream from these cameras all day. Even residents have access to the stream directly from an app that Handyman Harry has developed. Murugan is extra jobless after having found the missing Baby Malini, the only useful thing he has done in years. I am sure while making this announcement he too was sitting in his undies sipping free chai.
I was forced to wear my lungi to comply with the moral policing. As meditating in anything except undies is not only difficult but sacrilegious, I had to improvise on the spot – The 2000 years old Big Banyan tree. I was sure that Supreme Leader’s snoopy CCTV cameras couldn’t reach there. So I climbed the branches one by one to make sure I was at the highest point possible. Here I could remove my lungi again and start meditation, although one has to beware of arboreal creatures. I found what looked like a branch with decent back support, but what did I find there? Fruity Farookh picking mangoes ! From a Banyan Tree !
Life is stranger than you think. Now my options were dwindling. Since the municipality had seized my ashram till further notice, where could I find peace if not on Mangomalai hilltop? My last option was to explore the ruins of what used to be a fort built by the legendary Maharaja Alphonso Dev Varman, the fattest king in the ancient history of Mangoville. According to folklore, the Maharaja refused to offer a big box of mangos to Mangodevi on the first full moon night of the year with proper protocols. Proper protocols require that a wolf should be howling at 50 Hz frequency at 150 decibels minimum, sitting at the northern edge of the temple and looking up to the moon. The Maharaja met all these conditions except that the wolf turned out to be a dog painted in wolves colours. You can fool the people of Mangoville but you cannot fool Mangodevi. He was stripped of his kingship and Mangoville was declared a republic. Since Supreme Leader arrived, it has become a banana republic.
I proceeded to check out the crumbling fort, in the hope that I could find a secluded spot where I could sit in my undies. I was certain there were no CCTV cameras inside the fort. Our municipality does not have budget for so many cameras. How do I know? Well, the municipality published their accounts recently after I filed a Public Interest Litigation when the Supreme Leader increased taxes on small undies. His logic was that only rich people wore small undies and such a tax would redistribute wealth, apart from filling state coffers.
As I entered the moss covered fort, I was instantly distracted by the sight of a large canon pointing down towards Baiganpally town in the plains. The surface of the cannon was smooth and would make a good spot for meditating, although my favourite lotus position would have to be substituted with Shavasana. This wasn’t a question of simply lying down on the barrel of the canon. My methods are not hacks, and any changes to the posture need to be compensated for with scientific adjustments. In this case it required burning some coal and placing it inside the bore of the cannon. Doing so would heat up the rusted iron inside the cannon, and the resulting fumes of iron-oxide, a great oxygen carrier would spread all around, increasing the oxygen content available to me. This would prevent me from falling asleep inspite of being in Shavasana position.
If you are wondering why I carry coal with me, again you need to be reminded, that I am fond of barbecued chicken, especially on cold, windy places such as Mangomalai hilltop. I will generally look for anything that moves, catch it and eat it. It is a survival skill I learnt from the Mangoville Cadet Academy from where I was kicked out in my childhood. But that is for another day. Do not Google for it. If you want to hear the true story behind it, without mirch-masala, have some patience. I will reveal it in due course.
Presently I lit up some coal using my cigarette lighter, an exceedingly difficult task in windy conditions. Thankfully I was carrying some petrol I stole from Rowdy’s rickshaw and this made it easier. A nice fire soon materialised and within no time the coals were red and hot. I scooped them using discarded spade lying nearby and shoved them into the canon bore. It was now time to lie down on the cannon. The coal would make the cannon warm and comfy, a much needed relief in these cold conditions.
It would have been less than a minute that I had been lying on the canon when I heard a loud bang, accompanied by what felt like a massive jolt. I was thrown to the front of the cannon, from where I could see smoke coming out from its mouth. This was natural since I had lit up coals inside its bore. But what could explain the loud bang and massive jolt? A lightening strike? It was cloudy and looked like thunderstorms were approaching. Yes, must be the lightening. Not a good idea to be on a hilltop during a thunderstorm. I quickly grabbed my lungi and decided to make an exit from Mangomalai. Perhaps it was not a good day for meditation as Murugan’s warning on the loudspeaker and Fruity’s presence on the mango tree had indicated. I am not a superstitious Swamy, but sometimes these signs should not be ignored. As I approached the CCTV cameras, I wore my lungi again to avoid another announcement from the jobless and overzealous Murugan.
So dear disciples, followers, cronies and servants, my attempts to learn a new superpower have been thwarted recently due to a combination of human and natural interferences. I know this is a huge disappointment for all of you, especially those who have paid for premium content. I appeal to my billions of subscribers to pressurise the Supreme Leader into creating an atmosphere that is conducive for learning super powers. His moral policing is also not acceptable in the 21st century and we have a right to wear the kind of underwear we want, where we want. In the meanwhile, if you want to buy Superpower Swamy branded micro undies, please visit my online store. Use the coupon codes ‘WEARMINIMUM’ or ‘BAREMAXIMUM’ to unlock exciting offers such as ‘Buy one undie, get half an undie free’.
See you soon,
Yours unscrupulously,
Superpower Swamy
URGENT EMERGENCY BROADCAST
Dear Residents of Baiganpally,
Today an unidentified flying object, also known as UFO, was spotted in the skies of Baiganpally by the Unscientific Fellows Organization, also known as UFO, who quickly deployed a surface-to-air missile (SAM) to destroy it mid air. The SAM is reported to have missed the UFO and landed in the ashram of Superpower Swamy. Since the ashram is depopulated and sealed, there were no casualties. The unintercepted UFO landed in the control room of Baiganpally CCTV monitoring centre. Mysteriously, even the centre was empty and therefore no casualties were reported.
The Supreme Leader has set up an enquiry commission to investigate why no staff were present on duty at the CCTV monitoring centre. Another commission has been set up to investigate how the UFO society got hold of SAMs and the training to fire them.
Watch this space for updates.