Aunty Opinion receives interview suggestions

I have been getting some suggestions on whom I should be interviewing next. Of course people know that Aunty Opinion gets the best interviews out of the toughest people. Not the staged fluff stuff like Current Johar where people are just scratching each other’s backs. Huh. Ok, so here are some samples of the excellent suggestions I have received from the citizens of Mangoville. I feel really privileged that people trust me with this kind of stuff.

“Please interview Rickshaw Rowdy again !! We would love to hear his views on KGF Chapter 2” – Dandruff Danny

Ahem !! Aunty interviewed Rickshaw Rowdy once because Aunty wants to give importance to the common citizen. But this time I am looking speak to people with a slightly higher intellectual caliber and sophistication, on subjects that are really important for Mangoville. Movie reviews are perhaps something that our esteemed Supreme Leader can do.

“Aunty ji, who is the cat in every other photo? Please interview the cat” – Dangerous Dolly

Oh that cat! Her name is Kakoli. Kakoli’s mother Sharmili was the national cat of Mangoville. She had 24 children in all, out of which Kakoli is the smartest. She has the uncanny ability to be present whenever something interesting is going on. It may look like she doesn’t know what is happening, but she processes everything. And no, I shall not interview her, not until I can speak her language.

“The buses are too crowded ! Please call Commissioner Pandurang for a townhall meeting. He is simply sleeping” – Agitated Ajit

LOL. Dear Ajit, it looks like you have been living under a rock. The municipality stopped operating buses two years ago. What you are riding are private buses of politician thug Bobby Bahubali. I don’t mind calling him for an interview, provided he is handcuffed to the table, with at least 4 CCTV cameras monitoring him, a pepper spray for emergency and a sniper rifle pointed to his head.

“Aunty ji, we think you would have great chemistry with Current Johar. For a change let him be at the receiving end” – Peaceful Padmini

Dear Peaceful Padmini, first of all you should change that name of yours immediately. The last person to be named Padmini spent her life as a taxi and robbed many people of their ‘peace’ of mind. I hope you are an old person not looking for employment because with a name like that the only job you will get is that of a typist in the darkest corner of Mangoville state museum. Coming back to your suggestion, thanks but no thanks. Current Johar and I are sworn enemies and we shall never meet unless it is in Pig Boss where I can kill him and win the show. He once called me the real life version of Jabba the Hutt. I am not going to forgive him.

“Superpower Swamy seems like an interesting candidate. I would love to find out what goes on inside his ashram” – Mojo Mahalingam

Dear Mahalingam, I would rather interview Rickshaw Rowdy again, than waste my time with a loser like Superpower Swamy. I can tell you about the ashram since I have been there to rescue Kakoli the cat who ended up there after chasing Swamy and got lost. The ashram is an ancient burial ground that was excavated and abandoned after some archaeologists complained that they had been possessed by the evil spirit of Mama Matunga. Everyone in the vicinity ran away and Swamy’s guru Bhayankar Baba grabbed the site. Every grave is allocated to one ‘shishya’. In reality there are all charsis and Baba used to collect rent from them. So much for being an ‘ashram’. Swamy has doubled the rent and is making two people sleep in one grave.

“Please interview some health workers. They have supported us so well during the pandemic. People need to hear their stories too” – Conscientious Kavita

Dear Kavita, if you are feeling so conscientious, please join the “No Thin Plastic Spoons” protest this Sunday. They are putting pressure on chaat shops to provide spoons that don’t bend while digging into aloo tikki. In case that doesn’t excite you, there is another protest called “Make Dominos Pizza Big Again” outside Pizza Hut. You can join them. Aunty’s speciality is scandalous and sensational interviews.

“Aunty u acting always too important? U have exposed your stupidness so many times I even loose count on my middle finger. And u wannabe Ms. phoren minster. Lol. Currant Johar is much batter then u” – Five Rupee Troll

If you are getting paid Rs 5 for trolling, then you are overpaid. Firstly you are off-topic. Secondly your writing is terrible and lastly you are dealing with Aunty here, who is herself a retired trolling grandmaster. Go tell your boss Current Johar that if he wants to send me a message, he should talk to me directly or engage better trolls. Gosh what has the trolling industry come to. Such falling standards.

“I think our economy is like a sinking rudderless ship. This is bound to happen when we don’t have a captain. The hostile oceans will drown us and the hungry crocodiles will chew us alive” – Uncle EyeEmEff

Dear Uncle, if the ship is sinking, a rudder is not going to help in any case. Secondly there are no crocodiles in the ocean, and lastly if we have already drowned, they can’t chew us alive. But this topic is about finding out who Aunty Opinion should interview. Since your message was neither a question, nor a suggestion, I am assuming this was just an opportunistic rant to make your point on Aunty’s prestigious forum to get some publicity for yourself. Shoo.

“We haven’t seen our Supreme Leader for so long madam. Please call him to your studio. I would like to kiss his feet. He is like the 13th avatar of Vishnu himself. He has done so much for the people of Mangoville. Long live our Supreme Leader” – Crony Krishnan

Dear Crony, how will you kiss his feet if he is in my studio? I am not inviting you. You can make a statue of the Supreme Leader and kiss his feet for as long as you want.

“Aunty, the Artificial Intelligence Agency of Mangoville has alerted me that you just snubbed one of my supporters. This will not be tolerated. You have been warned. Next time I won’t be so accommodating” – Supreme Leader

Aaaaargh!! Supreme Leader you can’t gatecrash my thread like this with threats. You too are off topic like that Five Rupee Troll. Sometimes I wonder if you are hand in glove with that Currant Johar and trying to sabotage my career. No wonder he keeps a statue of yours on the coffee table during his discussions.

This opinion seeking exercise hasn’t turned out as I expected. Not a single good suggestion and some trolls and off topic nonsense to make it worse. I think I will myself decide whom to interview next. After all no one is at the same intellectual level as Aunty Opinion. Without me Mangoville would be just a banana republic

Stupid Aunty. Mangoville is already and officially a Banana Republic. She hasn’t even read the preamble of our constitution and keeps aspiring for political posts. What should I do with her?
– Supreme Leader