Baiganpally’s first Town Hall – The Mangoville Chronicles

After allegations of dictatorial behaviour, I have decided to address some concerns of the public through a virtual town hall. Henceforth the Town Hall shall be conducted regularly, albeit only virtually, considering I have received some threats of drowning me in Crocodile Lake.

Aunty Opinion

Dear Supreme Leader, the Baiganpally Electricity Supply Company is demanding additional security deposit, on the pretext that the deposit is based on average monthly billing, which has increased over time. I find this claim to be extremely dubious. I don’t understand how after frequent and extended power cuts there can be increased consumption of electricity. In fact the diesel supplier is also asking for extra deposit because we are consuming too much diesel in our power backups. Please explain without the Ukraine war excuse.

Dear Aunty,

I share your concern. My attempts to reach the chief of the electricity company have not yielded results so far. Apparently the Chief is holidaying in Switzerland due to frequent power cuts in Baiganpally. His mobile is also switched off. Due to power cuts in Switzerland he hasn’t been able to charge his phone. I know that sounds ridiculous but it is true. He deserves it.

Paranoid Pooja

Dear Supreme Leader, there is a thuggish looking man in the neighbouring apartment who keeps smoking in the balcony and looks at our house in a menacing manner. I suspect he wants to kill and rob us. Please do something!

Dear Paranoid Pooja,

Investigations have revealed that the menacing looking man is none other than your husband whom you have locked in the bedroom since 3 months. Please release him and he will stop looking at you in a menacing manner.

Mango Mishra

The municipal authorities have identified 430 potholes for fixing. This is laughable. The nation wants to know how potholes are defined. In my opinion there must be at least 4 million potholes in Baiganpally.

Dear Mango Mishra,

A pothole is defined as a cavity on the surface of the road, not less than 1 inch deep and twelve inches wide. This is the description provided in the ‘Mangoville Handbook of Pothole Detection”, published by our esteemed Department for Publication of Handbooks on Anything. I am bound to agree with the official figure, unless someone can prove to the contrary. I am sure you are not going to drive around counting 4 million potholes, hence please agree to the number and move ahead. The government always wins on statistics. Resistance is futile.

Mysterious Admin

I heard that 5G licenses are going to be awarded. Authorities are saying that the speeds will be revolutionary. They were saying the same thing when 3G was launched and again when 4G was introduced. I don’t recall any revolution happening, except Rickshaw Rowdy and his gang getting addicted to Tiktok videos on their mobile phones and refusing to drive Rickshaws.

Dear Mysterious Admin,

This time during the auction I have asked the bidders to keep one of their children with us as security deposit. The children will be returned to their parents after 10 years of good service. I have kept strict standards for speed and call drops. Failure to maintain speeds will result in us keeping their kids longer than 10 years. All the bidders have deposited their children with us, with one of the bidders stating that we can keep his troublesome son with us forever. That bidder has been disqualified.

Tikka Singh

Dear Supreme Leader, the restaurant industry is fed up of customers wanting discounts. We are already selling everything at 30% discount and the consumer association is planning to do dharna to ask for 50% discount. People have gotten addicted to discounts. Please save us and tell people its time to start paying the right price for things

Dear Tikka Singh,

It is not possible for us to intervene in business matters. Please form your own association and decide that no one will offer discounts. Sit on dharna outside apartment complexes with torn clothes and begging bowls. Burn some effigies. From my own experience of agitation I have found that throwing rotten tomatoes and eggs on people is highly effective, but I know prices are already very high, you would rather make curries from rotten tomatoes than throw them away. As a substitute, I recommend throwing old chappals at your customers. I have a large stock of chappals which my wife refuses to discard, so I can offer them for free if you can somehow showcase it as a robbery.

Superpower Swamy

Son, please ban all superhero movies. Future generations are getting false information that superpowers can be acquired through spider bite and stupid armour suits. The only way to acquire superpower is through tough meditation and focus, which can be learnt only in my ashram. I am offering 50% discount these days in case someone wants to join. Terms and Conditions apply

Dear Swamy,

I have time and again told you that the Ashram does not belong to you. You are a squatter who has been allowed to get away for a long time. One day the ‘kanoon ka lamba haath’ will catch up with you. We are not going to ban superhero movies or any other type of movie. Your non existent super powers are not worth learning even for free. So no thank you for the 50% discount. I am putting out a public advisory that any promotional offers from your Ashram are to be treated as a scam-in-the-making. People are to attend at their own risk.

Five Rupee Troll

Duh, the last cyber cafe in Baiganpally shut down. Now how I will troll. If I am troll from home, my IP address whole world can able to see. Then pohlis catch me with red hand. Duh. I am telling you Vro, you cannot stop my freedom of speak. I am complain to Harrison Ford, President of USA. He come and kick you ass out and install puppet gormint.

Dear Troll,

You just made my day. I love how you trolls write. Muaaah. Don’t worry, we are not tracking your IP address. Please troll from home so that you don’t have to step out of the house and interact with civilisation. I am also proposing to set up a Committee for Welfare of Trolls, so that we can allocate vacant basements to you free of charge where you can stay away from public gaze 365 days of the year. Subsidised food will be kept near the basement shutter 3 times a day.

Snoopy Susie

Since I helped Inspector Murugan rescue Baby Malini, I have started receiving unsolicited attention. People are sending me marriage proposals, pretending to be Sherlock Holmes and Hercule Poirot. One person calling himself Byomkesh Bakshi even landed up at my house. From no angle did he look like Byomkesh da. Please provide me security until the situation returns to normal.

Dear Susie,

Sorry to hear that you are receiving unwanted attention. I have asked Inspector Murugan to keep an eye till things die down. I am curious to know what Byomkesh Da is supposed to look like. Don’t say Rajit Kapur. He is just an actor. And I do hope you know that Byomkesh Bakshi is a fictional character, so even if Rajit Kapur was to land up at your house, you should know that it is not Byomkesh Da.

Inspector Macho Murugan

Supreme Anna, please provide all police people of Inspector rank AK-47 assault rifles. Our small pistol is not scaring anyone. Last week I take out my pistol on one rowdy stealing chain from innocent woman, he is taking out bigger gun and scaring me away. If I come with big rifle, all Rowdies will hide in their holes and crime will vanish like in Rambo films.

Dear Murugan,

It will take more than AK-47 to make crime vanish. By the way, Rambo movies are not police movies, so don’t even try those stunts. Moreover there is no need to be so trigger happy in cases like chain snatching. We don’t want shooting at public places. Please curb your Rambo tendencies.

Uncle EyeEmEff

The economy will collapse any time like a pack of cards. Dark clouds of recession are hovering on us like vultures over dead animal. The snow in the mountains will turn black and rivers will flow with blood if we don’t put your turban at the feet of IMF gods and ask for a bailout.

Dear Uncle EyeEmEff,

You are always painting pictures of gloom and doom. I know the economy can be better but vague descriptions comparing to clouds and mountains are not very useful. If you have any concrete suggestions please come forward and we may implement them. That is the whole purpose of Town Hall. This is not an opportunity to describe doomsday imagery. Sometimes I wonder if you are really an economist or a dramatist.

Crony Krishnan

Respected Supreme Leader, you have proven your democratic credentials by convening this Town Hall. All critics should now shut up and accept you as President for life. I am teaching my children to worship you and seven generations after me will sing songs in your praise.

Please stop this cringe and do not go overboard. I also have no intention of being President for life. However you are allowed to worship me for other reasons. I am just curious to know why you want to stop with the seventh generation.