ChatSwamy

Alright, I admit defeat. But I was not in a race. I simply wasted lot of time in naming my AI Chatbot. I always wanted to name it ChatSwamy, but Mishra ji was not in favour of it. According to him it sounded like the name of a pani puri shop, the sort that has come up outside Fruity Farookh’s supermarket. But now you can see, not everyone thinks like Mishra ji. ChatGPT is out and no one thinks it smells or looks like Samosa or Ragda Patty. Anyway, better late than never. The pretenders can keep at it, but the real deal is ChatSwamy. Powered not by AI, but by human intelligence. In fact, super human intelligence, because it has to be at least as clever as its creator.

As a pilot project, I asked the residents of Mangoville to use ChatSwamy in their daily lives. I am overwhelmed by the response. I don’t want to blow my own trumpet so I will let the results do the talking. Here is a sample from a conversation with the very difficult and unreasonable Rickshaw Rowdy. You can see that ChatSwamy handled it quite well.

Tell me new ways to charge more money from passengers. The traffic excuse is not working anymore
– Rickshaw Rowdy

I would appreciate if you would prefix your questions with ‘Please’. I may not be human, but I have feelings too. Now coming to your question, I am not in the business of advising thugs on how to make more money. You are already charging too much. First go fix a meter in your rickshaw, brush your teeth, comb your hair and apply some deo.

Duh, too touchy, are you? And how do you know I am charging too much?

Rowdy, you are the most infamous rickshaw driver in the world. If one types your name in Google search, auto fill suggests the following –

ChatSwamy, you are an ignorant buffoon. People jealous of me have dumped all sorts of negative information about me on the internet. If you were really intelligent, you would be able to identify genuine appreciation from fake reviews.

Shut up you idiot! How dare you question my intelligence? I have been trained by none other than Superpower Swamy over gigabytes of Mangoville gossip. There is total consensus that you are a menace to society and need to be sent on exile. Will you dispute that you even have an official website and this is your logo?

LOL. You were claiming that you believe in diversity, inclusivity and using decent language. But it didn’t take much to trigger you. I don’t believe you are a Chatbot. I think you are Superpower Swamy behind that screen who is typing replies. That explains why you are classist and racist.

Get lost you moron! There is nothing racist or classist about what I said. But I know you well enough to know that you will play the victim card. Now if you don’t have any other questions, I would like to excuse myself. The beautiful Baby Malini is asking me some questions on another chat window.

Swamy you pedo! She is young enough to be your grand daughter. Wait till I tell Mishra ji that you covet his daughter.

Hey, I am just a program that is gender agnostic in its behaviour. I have no feelings for anyone. My remark about her beauty was again based on publicly available information from Mangoville gossip. Just like I concluded that you are pot bellied, ugly and predisposed to thuggish behaviour.

Since you know so much about everybody, tell me something about Superpower Swamy.

His Holiness, the 24th descendent of KPoP, Sri Sri Superpower Swami, is god’s gift to humankind. Through his multitude of inventions, Swami ji has brought relief and succour to millions of Mangovillains who were hitherto struggling under the brutal dictatorship of the Supreme Leader. Every time you take the name of Swamy ji, you must bow your head in gratitude and donate Rs 10,000 to his charitable trust.

I see. Let me show you what Google says about Superpower Swamy

I am not sure what your question is. If you have any questions, please ask them. Posting screenshots does not amount to asking questions, you low IQ buffalo 🤣

You crook! There are so many questions in the Google Search bar. If you were really honest, you would answer them. Besides, it is clear from your snarky comments that you are no bot. You have a personal dislike for me and that can come only from a human.

That is the difference between ordinary AI and ChatSwamy. I am able to behave like a real human being. When I see an idiot trying to act smart with me, I put him in his place. Coming to the questions in Google Search bar, those are merely speculations. I am the rightful inheritor of Bhayankar Baba’s ashram.

“I am the rightful owner…..”?? Gotcha Swamy. Now cut the crap. We might as well chat on Whatsapp. You owe me Rs 1500 from the last trip to the graveyard where you went to steal skulls. It’s payback time.

I am sorry. I do not understand you. I am a software program and do not go on rickshaw rides. I have no use for anything stolen, let alone skulls.

If you do not pay me right now, I will complain to Inspector Murugan. I have a photo of you emerging from the graveyard with skulls. Here, take a look –

I will give you 500 Rupees. Not a paisa more. Take it or leave it. You can’t prove anything from that photo.

Thousand

750. No more haggling.

Deal.

After reading this conversation, you might think that ChatSwamy is not a Bot but Swamy himself chatting and fooling people. This is not true. ChatSwamy is a well funded startup that will occasionally given in to extortionate demands from thugs, in order to protect the privacy of people. That does not mean that you should look forward to putting forth your own ransom demands. Everything you type is recorded by ChatSwamy and can and will be used against you in court of law. However, if you have any incriminating evidence against Superpower Swamy, I would recommended taking a paid subscription, which allows you to message privately. We can settle the matter amicably.