Chaos is what you get when you don’t avail services of experts. Supreme Leader has been going around asking for donations to fill potholes of Baiganpally roads, completely oblivious to the fact that I have the exact superpowers needed to solve the problem. He was also seen urging people to use public transport when I can make flying carpets at will. As per the most venerable Bhayankar Baba, my guru and mentor, I am the 24th descendent of the great Keetnashak Param-o-Parmaanu, also known as K-Pop. The Great K-Pop was a nuclear powered baba, capable of destroying bugs by singing at radio active frequency. One day he sang with so much passion that God woke up from sleep, seething with anger. God took away K-Pop’s bug destroying nuclear powers, leaving the baba inconsolable. After 12 months of standing on one leg on top of Mount Kilimanjaro and repenting for his sin of offending God, he got some respite. God thundered:
And thou art f’rgiven of all sins, but god doest not f’rget. Thy 24th descendent shalt inh’rit all thy pow’r and thee shalt remaineth pow’rless !
– God (We have no branches)
K-Pop gathered his lungi and ran down the slope of Mount Kilimanjaro but on the way he was swallowed alive by a mysterious creature. As the 24th descendent of the great K-Pop, I am ordained by none other than God to inherit all the nuclear super powers and save the world from anarchy. In between I and this holy mission stands the mere mortal, Supreme Leader who believes that laughable measures like car pooling and public transport will save us. Please allow me a few minutes to present my innovative solutions to improve quality of life.
First and foremost, please download the multipurpose K-Pop app on your phone and turn on the nuclear mode. This will allow your phone to communicate with nearby helpful devices using nuclear radiation. You might be wondering if your phone has nuclear mode? It doesn’t. That is why you first need to buy a nuclear capable phone from SwamyKart. Use coupon code SWAMYISGOD to get an instant discount of 2%. Due to extremely high demand, there is currently a waiting period of 12 months. If you use coupon code SWAMYFORPRESIDENT, you can get delivery in 24 hours and we will provide charger for free.
Ok, now you have a nuclear capable phone, you are all set to unleash the powers which hitherto were only the privilege of yours truly. This is real empowerment.
1. Self Vanishing Squeeze-o-matic
Tired of illegally parked vehicles blocking your way? Just point your phone at the offending vehicle and summon Drone-Acharya. This powerful and versatile drone comes equipped with giant claws that will extract the offending vehicle and clear your way instantly. It doesn’t just clear the way, in a single action it crushes and compresses the vehicle into a cube of size 3 inches so that it can never block your way again. After the job is done, Drone-Acharya disappears to an unknown location. Needless to say, the cost of this effort is borne by the owner of the offending vehicle. So use mercilessly and without hesitation.
We are trying to extend Squeeze-o-matic to mete out the same treatment to wrong side drivers. Presently Drone-Acharya can only work on static objects. Beta trials were abandoned after the drone extracted a K-Pop user instead of the offending driver.
– Dr. Charulata Chocolate, Sr. Product Manager who does not want to be named.
2. Insta-Pothole
If you have constructed a new house and are fed up of bikes without silencers zipping past your window and disturbing your sleep, look no further than the instant pothole creator. Just point your phone at the desired spot outside your house and summon…. you guessed it – Drone-Acharya. With its 15mm bore cannon, Drone-Acharya can create a pothole the size of a kiddie swimming pool. If that wasn’t impressive enough, the newly created pothole is also capable of entrapping the fallen biker and airlifting them to Swamy’s correctional facility where they will be taught how to be good citizens. Now you are no longer dependent on the Baiganapally Municipal Corporation to create potholes. No bribes, no awkward situations. Just real empowerment
3. Citizen Tanker Mafia
Kiss goodbye to fat tanker water bills. Just order fresh water from your nearest lake using the K-Pop app any time of the day. The mineral and protein rich water delivered by Drone-Acharya is unfiltered and best for your health. Drink directly from the drone faucet or pour it into a container of your choice. Currently due to high demand, you can order a maximum of 20 litres in a day. Some customers have developed dysentry like symptoms after drinking our water, but that is only because their bodies are unaccustomed to the extremely high quality of water which the body mistakes for pathogens. Daily consumption for upto six months will make these symptoms go away and reward you with clear, glowing skin.
4. PorNPoP
Don’t fall of your chair. Swamy is not a sleazy operator. The Portable Nuclear Power Plant, also known affectionately as PorNPoP is a life saver. Baiganpally Electric Supply Company is a joke. We all know it. It is time to go off the grid. You don’t have to be a minimalistic, lettuce eating, bicycle paddling vegan to go off the grid. You can support your materialistic, couch warming, sausage stuffing lifestyle just as easily with PorNPoP. Now consume electricity pollution free and guilt free. In case you are wondering about the safety of the device, eat a chocolate. PorNPoP comes with triple redundant explosion resistant, leakage proof casing that can withstand up to 3 explosions. After the third explosion, we are sorry. Unfortunately our angel investor (who didn’t turn out to be such an angel after all) decided to cut off funding after Series A round and we never got a chance to recruit a good quality control engineer. However, the innovative folks at Swamy Technologies have installed a sensor which detects chances of a 3rd explosion exactly 3 seconds before it happens. While it can’t prevent the explosion, pressing the red button placed inside the unbreakable shell of PorNPoP will deactivate the reactor for life. To press the button, insert the tip of a ball point pen into the microscopic cavity above the label marked “Do not press”
Research has shown that the high IQ citizens of Mangoville have a propensity to press buttons that are marked “Do not press”, hence the label
– Atom Bomb Srinivasan, Unpaid Design Intern at Swamy Technologies
5. Dr Unknownymous
Don’t be fooled by the simplicity of this feature. Lying underneath is a great technology that has been perfected over a decade by the brilliant engineers at Swamy Technologies. Now at the click of a button, you can wipe off all your internet activity since your birth. The surveillance state of Supreme Leader can take a hike. To use this feature, simply enter the following details in the app:
- Your passport number and photocopy of all utilized visa pages
- Login credentials of your Google, Facebook, Tinder, Twitter, LinkedIn and Reddit accounts
- Login credentials of your internet banking account
- Four profile pictures – one from every angle
- Names of your family members, including clandestine relations if any
- Upload a blank A4 sized page with your signature at the bottom in blue ink.
- Your thumbprint using the fingerprint scanner
- A signed blank cheque
Presto, you are done. Now just press the button which says “Obliterate My Online Presence” and you will be gone forever. Please note that the accuracy of this app is currently 50%. There is a 50% chance that your online activities will be wiped out. The other 50% of the time your entire presence gets wiped out. In such a case you become a persona non grata and Supreme Leader will deport you for being an unauthorised alien in the holy land of Mangoville. You will be put on a life boat with a life vest and food for seven days, and pushed 200 nautical miles off into Mangoville Ocean. From there back to Mangoville is seven days paddling distance. If you manage to return, you have proven yourselves as worthy citizens of Mangoville. To be honest, after you have shared all the above details with us to use the app, you are better off sinking or being swallowed alive by Monty the Whale who lives near the boat drop-off point.
Now tell me friends, cronies and well wishers. Isn’t Superpower Swamy the real liberator of you miserable downtrodden people who are under the delusion that they are living in a free state? When you come under the protection of Swamy, your life is really free. Except for the minor detail about the nuclear capable phone. The original price of the phone is 5 kgs of gold, accepted in gold coins only. One disciple tried to pay me using bitcoins and I gave him the Drone-Acharya treatment. In case you can’t pay this small price for freedom, you are welcome to a lifetime of slavery at my Ashram where you can avail all these services for free.